Nightclub scenes in movies are the worst

Before I start, yes I know that movies have to take certain liberties. That said, it doesn’t stop them from doing things that are a bit irritating all the time.

Today, I’m looking at you, nightclub scenes.

See, anyone who has ever been on a night out knows that certain things are universal — the music is too loud so you have to yell at bar staff to get your order across, and you have to shout constantly to try and be heard over Sean Paul. You’re almost always sweating profusely, pink faced, and making a tit of yourself because you’ve drunk too much in a bar before you even get to the club itself.

These aren’t criticisms — these are what make clubbing so much fun. They’re huge, dimly-lit, unglamorous hangars that are filled with awkward sexual encounters (often failed ones), ropey dance-moves, and someone crying because their coat has been stolen. It’s a sea of trodden on plastic pint glasses, people doing shots, and a queue for the toilets because people are either doing cheap coke or refuse to piss quickly enough.

Films, almost always, don’t get it. And they should, because a realistic club scene would add a great layer of grot to a story. It’s where people reveal their true selves through being too hammered, or really being into the music that’s being played.

As a DJ, I’ve seen a lot of places with the lights up — they’re all filthy. DJs stand in booths that have a load of lost property and chemical rat-traps flung behind them, among the errant cables, fire extinguishers, and bits of Rizla cardboard. The floors are always sticky and have a load of black stuff on them from people’s shoes and dropped drinks.

However, in films, alternative clubs burn oil-drums inside, despite the very obvious health and safety issues; movies show people walking into raves talking about ‘that rush when the music first hits’, rather than a bunch of lads in Topman shirts getting there a bit early and hanging around at the bar while it fills up. Biggest lie of all, is that jazz clubs are attended by absolutely any women.

That’s all by-the-by really. I get why directors feel the need to make a club scenario seem glamorous — it’s a nice bit of fantasy, and of course, there are some really swanky clubs in the world.

It goes without saying that where clubs in movies totally win, is dodgy fashion choices, weird dancing, and people shirtless for no reason and the random addition of dudes with saxophones. These things, I’m totally fine with.

I only ask for one thing — volume.

Even in a film like Human Traffic — a film literally about going to raves — it features this scene in a club, where the music is quieter than your average taxi ride.

Andrew Lincoln should be sweating his tits off, what with wearing a leather jacket inside a club full of dancing people, and they should be both screaming at each other while trying to be heard… and it’d be a funnier scene for it.

And here, in The Matrix, we have another one of those magic clubs where once you get around 10 feet away from the decks, you can have a lovely, whispery conversation.

And in Scarface, while the joys of seeing Al Pacino prancing around like he’s got wrought-iron knees, aside from a few shouts of ‘WHAT?’, again, we witness the world’s most polite PA system.

And how well-lit is that? If there’s one thing you don’t want a club to be, is well lit. Everyone looks ropey on a night out, so seeing how blotchy and gurny everyone is, is less than ideal.

Still, directors want you to be able to hear people — I get it I guess, but yelling and subtitles would be better for my money.

The thing that grinds my gears the hardest (I can overlook a whole bunch of stuff if I’m having a good time watching a film), is hearing people’s feet. Quite often in movies, the PA system is so gentle, that you can actually hear people’s delicate footsteps over the music.

Unless Stomp are in, or there’s a stampede of some sort, I don’t want to be hearing the foley artist doing his best shoe-work.

Another thing — nightclubs in films are filled with people prepared to rave at all costs. The amount of guns that have been brandished and shot on movie dancefloors, and everyone’s just carried on like it’s fine, is bewildering.

I’ve seen entire dancefloor’s derailed by two sisters having a 3 second punch-up.

Of course, people eventually start cowering, but some dude getting shot in the face, and everyone just carrying on because they’re ‘lost in music’, is bollocks.

Naturally, I’m allowed to be a hypocrite, because while this scene is like no rave anyone’s ever been to, watching it a dozen times on the bounce, perhaps all clubs should be EXACTLY like it.

More blokes playing midi-keyboards dressed as robots, please.

Obviously, someone’s going to read this and say ‘ultimately though, it doesn’t matter because they’re just films’, which I obviously know because that’s the subtext to any piece like this. It says more about you than me, thinking I hadn’t already weighed that up.

And indeed, some will assume that I hate the clips I’ve shared, which again, isn’t true, but I can be mildly irritated by dumb stuff while enjoying it at the same time.

Some people are rubbish at shooting the shit about daft stuff, so go away and have entirely fact-based, useful conversations.

To the rest of you — I just think every single scene above would’ve been improved by hilariously loud music, bouncers getting involved, people throwing up in the background, people not being able to hear each other, and of course, a robot playing a midi-keyboard.

Clubs. They’re miles better than the movies would have you believe.