Manspreading: A load of bollocks.
Hello. I am a man. I have a dick and two balls. I have to sit down now and then. So far, so obvious.
So, with that, let me get to the hot topic of manspreading.
I’ve seen a number of men write things in defence of manspreading, and they basically focus on their balls being squashed together, some factoid about their hips, and that sitting with our legs together is unnatural bad for our health.
Okay? Got that? Now, here’s why it is all complete and utter bollocks. Pun half-intended.
The fact is, the scrotum has enough room for two testicles to move around and get into a position that protects your balls, and makes them comfortable, no matter where your legs are.
They do! You probably want some anecdotal evidence. Here goes…
Have you noticed how men don’t walk around with their legs wide apart, waddling like someone stuck an invisible Misery hobbling plank between their ankles? No, we walk with our legs resolutely together. Ever notice how men can have sex with someone straddling atop them? Their thighs are together, but you don’t get men crying about the comfort of their gonads.
Indeed, have you ever heard of men sleeping on their sides? Well, if our balls were so appallingly delicate, we’d all sleep like this…
Yet, we don’t. That’s because our balls can move around. Sure, they can be a pain and get in the way sometimes, that’s why we’re always hitching and messing around with our underpants, in a bid to get them comfortable. Granted, we could be a little more discrete when we’re adjusting our gussets, but that’s not happening any time soon. Think of it as a less delicate version of adjusting a bra-strap.
When a man touches his toes, they don’t yell “OUCH! MY BALLS!” When a man does a half-pike at the Olympics, in the post event interview, you don’t hear them saying: “Well, I’ve been training hard to get to the Games, but it has been particularly difficult on the balls to be honest…”.
Obviously, those defending manspreading are giving bullshit answers. Fact is, it is nice to spread out. If there’s no-one around, spreading out is great. However, when space is at a premium, you should close your damn legs. And yep, some women put their bags on seats that could be sat on by your arse, but their inconsideration isn’t an excuse for you to sit, legs akimbo.
The main point is this: Women aren’t asking men to clamp their legs together, at all — they’re asking men to close their legs a bit. If your knees are encroaching onto the space of the next seat, you’re being a shit. You don’t see women with their arms spread like they’re being crucified because ‘putting our arms together is uncomfortable for our breasts…’ do you?
Most importantly, do you remember that news story you read about that guy who put his legs together a bit, and he injured his balls really badly? No? That’s because it doesn’t happen, apart from people with something wrong with their knackers, or people with thighs made out of spiked-iron.
If you want to spread your legs on the bus, at least be honest — you want to do it because you’re not arsed about other people’s space. Don’t pretend your bollocks are special little snowflakes. You’ve battered into them while masturbating and having sex. You’ve had people sat on your lap. You’ve clattered them together every time you’ve walked. You’ve sat down literally millions of times.
So please, stop the bullshit arguments already.
