I’m a DJ… let me explain
As far as DJs go, I’m a pretty nice one. A lot of DJs can be really surly and play for themselves, but for me, I’m more than happy to take requests and have a laugh with people who come in and want a dance — you don’t mess around with people’s night’s out, y’know?
However, this list as been floating around for a while now, and I thought I might explain why DJs get the hump with certain requests, or certain attitudes.
I do not expect anyone to remember this while drunk… and remember, some DJs are proper arseholes, and there’s nowt you can do with them, sorry.
- PLAY MY SONG NOW/NEXT!
This one is a pain. If you’re a DJ that beat-matches, your song might be 15bpm slower than the one playing, so they don’t go. There’s also the matter of pacing — so if you’re asking for a massive banger and it is only 8pm, there’s a chance it might frighten off the other customers who just want a drink, and I’ve got to look after them too. Or indeed, you might be asking for a super slowie at peak dancing time. Other people have asked for requests too, so the DJ has probably got a list of tracks he’s got to get through before getting to yours, keeping in mind the pace of the set, what time it is, and most importantly, no-one like anyone who just makes demands like that. If you say “play it now!”, a DJ might think you’re rude and not play it at all. I might be hanging on to a tune for when it gets really busy, so I know it seems like an arbitrary decision, but I’m going to play it in around 2 hours.
2. PLAY IT AGAIN — I MISSED IT! (NO-ONE WILL NOTICE/THEY’LL LOVE IT)
I’ve given tracks a rewind if the song was played long enough ago, so that’s cool. I don’t expect anyone to remember every track I’ve played either. However, as you’ve been having your night out, going for smokes, having a wee, chatting and ordering drinks, if you missed your song and everyone else danced to it 10 minutes ago, it can’t go back on (for a while at least). As I’m the one who has been stood there all night, trying to read the room and having people talk to me and whatnot, you will have also missed the times that people have gone up to a DJ and said “why are you playing this again?” and “are you playing this again because you’ve run out of records?”
3. WHAT SONGS HAVE YOU GOT?
This request usually comes after you’ve told a someone that you didn’t have their specific request (because no DJ has every single song ever made). The ideal way out of this is “Have you got Song X?” and if the answer is ‘sorry, no’, then go vague — but not too vague. Follow it up with “Well, any Kanye then” or “I really like ’90s R&B, so anything like that.” This information, a DJ can deal with while they’re trying to mix and the like. Don’t say “Well, what have you got?” If I’m DJing with vinyl, I’ve got about 10 hours of music on me (so I can change up my set if things aren’t working) and if I’m using Serato, then I have hundreds of hours of music on me — I can’t really go through all that, track-by-track, while I’m actually doing a set. I’d happily bore you about it all over a pint in the week, but not while I’m actually playing.
4. CAN I LEAVE MY COAT/BAG WITH YOU?
DJ booths are not big. I don’t know where this notion came from, but basically, behind the decks will be till rolls, boxes of wires, fire extinguishers, bits of other decks that don’t work, bar stock, someone’s knackered umbrella, and in one case when I was DJing, a bin-bag full of false legs. So, in practical terms, I’ve really only got room for my own coat and bag, which is scrunched up next to some out of bottles of tonic the bar has forgotten they have. Furthermore, if you put it on the floor, I’m going to stand all over it and fuck it up, and I don’t want you — drunk — having a go at me when it is time for you to leave, even though I warned you and you’d forgotten. Also, I can’t remember every face who talks to me, so if someone who isn’t you says “can I just get my coat mate?”, I’m going to give it to them, and you’re going to be a coat down. I can’t be responsible for your stuff, sorry. And heads-up — DJs are right thieving fuckers too, so they’re the last people you should be asking (mostly, they swipe cables, middles for 45s, and sometimes needles and cartridges off the decks, umbrellas and scarves, but if your coat is nice and fits, consider it gone).
5. I’M A DJ — WHAT STUFF ARE YOU USING/CAN I HAVE A GO?
This doesn’t tend to happen much to me these days, and I find that most working DJs are glad of a night off on a weekend. Either way, should this happen, remember that I’m at work, with a manager keeping an eye on me and everything, so you can’t turn up to what is basically my office, and offer to do my job for me. I’ll get bollocked. If you’re new and are jonesing for a gig or opening-slot, then tell me, add me on Twitter, or whatever. We can swap mixes when I’m not at work and I might be able to help you out.
6. IS THAT VIRTUAL DJ?
This has never happened to me.
7. PLAY SOMETHING I CAN DANCE TO ON/PUT SOMETHING DECENT ON
Some bars and clubs book you simply for atmosphere and don’t really want a load of banging tunes on and people dancing on tables. I might agree with you and want exactly the same, but I also don’t want a bollocking. Also, I don’t know what you like. Nicely, give a request, and I’ll hopefully be able to sort you out. When someone says ‘put something decent on’, I actually hear ‘everything you’ve played so far has been shit’, and that’ll put me in a sulk and I’ll be hoping you just go away.
8. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE SONG IS CALLED, BUT IT GOES LIKE THIS…
Okay. I’m trying to not make a hash of this DJ set and I’ve probably got a massive speaker next to my head that is way too loud. I can’t really hear people speaking, so someone vaguely singing something to me isn’t going to work. I’ll do my best to try and work out what you’re singing, but if you want it played, it’d probably be better if you found it on your phone, and just show me the screen. Google the lyrics you know, something will show up.
9. LET ME USE THE MICROPHONE
Personally, I don’t have microphones when I’m DJing, because I’m not that kind of guy. I can see why other DJs would be reluctant though, because drunk people and microphones are generally asking for trouble. Let other people’s ears have music, rather than you shouting for your mates at brain melting volume.
10. ARE YOU THE DJ?
If there’s headphones around my neck, then yep. Y’alright?
11. WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?
Don’t touch it. I might turn the music off, and then I’m going to point at you while everyone boos and swears at you. You’ll very much be on your own on this one. I do not have your back at all. Also, I’m trying to do a job here and help everyone have a nice time, don’t be getting in my space and pressing random shit, and the bouncers will probably run over, take you outside, and start pressing random bits of your head into the pavement. I might not want that, but what did you think was going to happen? It’s the venues equipment, so you’d get chucked out if you tried pressing random buttons on the till.
12. TEACH ME HOW TO DJ!
If someone’s dead nice, I’ll let them press play on a track. That’s basically what they mean. Teaching you how to actually DJ though? Man, you have to be a special type of nerd who just practices at home for years before you’re half decent. Watch some YouTube tutorials in the week, rather than hammering a load of pinot and asking someone to do it while they’re at work. You wouldn’t go to a gig or open mic night and shout “TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY GUITAR!” Same applies here.
13. PUT SOME DUBSTEP/DNB ON!
If it’s a dance music night or whatever, cool. I guess this was included because it is a request that doesn’t match the night. With that, when you’re a DJ, sometimes you get to play whatever you like. More often than not, you don’t. So, I’m mostly booked for hip hop and R&B nights. That’s what the venue are paying for, and that’s the vibe (sorry for saying ‘vibe’) they’re after. If I go away from that, I might get bollocked. For example, if I’m playing at an R&B night, and some lads ask for Oasis, I can’t put that on because, thanks to experience, I know that most of the people on the dancefloor won’t like Oasis and might leave and, in addition to that, Oasis doesn’t make lads dance, but rather bellow along with the words really loudly with their arms aloft football-terrace style, which again, frightens off everyone else. Oasis lads will probably only stay for one pint, whereas Rihanna fans will stay out ’til kicking out time.
14. DJING IS EASY, ANYONE CAN DO IT
With a bit of practice, that’s 100% correct. I’m not sure why you’re telling me this though — it does sound like you’re trying to belittle me, which is a weird thing to do on a night out. You don’t see me cornering people and saying that anyone could do their admin job, or whatever. Stop being weird.
15. PLAY JUSTIN BIEBER!
Happy to. I’ve been saying ‘yes’ to this request since he did ‘Boyfriend’.
16. PLAY MY SONG — EVERYBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT!
I’ve had this a few times, and sometimes, they’re right. I might just be getting up to the right BPM, or playing requests from people who asked first. Sometimes though, people really don’t want to hear your request and I’m looking for the right time to play it and minimise the damage on the dancefloor. If I’ve been in a room every week for the last 2 years, sometimes I know your request is going to bomb, and you might not know that because it is your first time here. No-one expects you to revise what a club plays before you go to it, but just give me a chance to pick the right time, and thanks for the reminder because there’s a chance I’d forgotten what you’d said.
17. PLAY MY SONG — EVERYONE WILL DANCE TO IT!
Sometimes you’re right, but again, I’m here every week, and I’ve played it out a couple of times and it completely cleared the dancefloor.
18. PLAY IT SOON BECAUSE WE’RE GOING IN A MINUTE
This is a tricky one. Sometimes, I really want to get the track on before they leave, because the track is good, but I’m not able to steer my set to this particular track quickly enough. Nice people should get their requests played, for sure. However, telling me you’re going in a minute can also make me think ‘well, if you’re buggering off to somewhere else, I’ll play for the people who are staying’.
19. WHAT? YOU HAVEN’T GOT IT? CALL YOURSELF A DJ?!
Half the time, people don’t mean anything by this and they’re just having a laugh (sure, it’s a joke a DJ has heard a million times, but that’s cool). However, some people say it really seriously. Some people are fucking furious that you don’t have their favourite record. DJs don’t own every piece of music ever, sorry.
20. CAN YOU PLAY A SONG OFF MY PHONE?
There’s a host of reasons that this can’t happen. Sometimes, I don’t have the correct lead to make that happen. Now, I know you can see loads of leads coming out of the back of everything, but saying “surely one of those must work?” doesn’t make it true. They all work, but they don’t do the job that would make music go from your phone, through the mixer, and out of the speakers. Again, if a DJ is rigidly sticking to his beat-matching, then your phone is going to fuck all that up. See previous posts about song choice, pacing, and all that. It seems arbitrary, but if a DJ says ‘no’ to that, just take it on the chin and get the Uber driver to give you the AUX lead when you’re going home so you can singalong to it then.
21. CAN YOU PLAY IT OFF YOUTUBE?
See above. And yes, I saw a DJ try this once and the pre-rolled unskippable advert that came before the song, which had a two-minute dramatic, musicless introduction, pumped out of the bar’s speakers.
22. THIS SONG IS SHIT — PLAY SOMETHING ELSE (WITH FULL DANCEFLOOR)
Now, if the dancefloor is full, fuck you buddy. You coming up to me and asking for something else, is daft. Everyone is having a great time and you’re being a special snowflake about it. Even if the dancefloor is dead, still don’t say this. Be nice. Just ask for a request like a normal person.
23. I WORK HERE, YOU HAVE TO PLAY MY SONG
Now, this hasn’t ever happened to me. I usually get pretty friendly with the staff, so they ask nicely, and I oblige. I’m the same with people who are on a night out though. Regulars or not, if you’re nice, I’ll do my best to play it.
24. IS THIS THE BAR?
I’ve lost count of the amount of times people have put a drinks order in with me. Most people are nice about it and once they’ve been told that I’m a DJ and I point them to the actual bar, they either unceremoniously walk off, or feel pretty embarrassed. However, some pricks look at you like you’ve just shat in their mouth. The day they invent decks that have beer taps coming out of them, is the day that all DJ’s livers die. You’ll get no requests played because we’ll be passed out on the floor. Stop putting your empties on my booth too — if liquid spills on the gear, we’re all fucked.
25. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! YOU HAVE TO PLAY IT!
Now, I tend to play songs for people’s birthdays — it’s ace when you’re celebrating your birthday and your song comes on, or a song about birthdays is played. Why would I want to stop that from happening. Most people are pretty nice doing birthday requests. No, I don’t have a microphone so I can’t give them a shout-out, sorry. If you’re request isn’t wildly off-piste, feel free to ask. If you’re asking for Bruce Springsteen and I’m playing at a hip hop night, I hope you’ll understand why I can’t play your request, but I will put 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ on for you. PS: DJs can lip-read, so don’t tell your mate that you’re going to pretend it is your birthday and then have me say “happy birthday!” to you before you’ve opened your mouth, and it gets all embarrassing. We can tell when you’re fibbing too — just ask nicely and we’ll play it.
NOT INCLUDED ON THE LIST
I’d like to see a list compiled by women who DJ. I think they’d have two more sides of A4 to fill with the dumb shit that is said to them, such as: “Are these your boyfriend’s records?” and general requests for phone numbers and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. And please, be cool if I play your request and take it off quickly — I noticed that you weren’t dancing to it and everyone else hated it. It isn’t personal.
